Crazy is Infectious
by Prim the amazing
Summary: Harry is insane, and it seems like the rest of the school is more than ready to join up with him in his Desperately Needs to Get Locked up in a Small Padded Room in St. Mungo's club. Draco has a duck, Dean a twin, Ginny a Slytherin boyfriend, and Dumbledore can't keep his hands off Hagrid. Crack!fic.
1. Attention Whore

**Attention Whore**

"I'm gay." Harry Potter suddenly declared one morning over breakfast, calmly wiping his mouth with a napkin.

"That's nice, Harry." Hermione said absentmindedly as she turned another page in her well-read copy of _Hogwarts a History._

Ron sort of grunted, far too busy shoveling food down his mouth to give a proper response.

Harry pouted. "Hey! I'm serious! I'm totally gay! Aren't you guys even a _little _bit surprised? Shocked? Disgusted? Touched by how difficult this must have been for me? I just divulged something secret about me that might change how you guys look at me _forever._"

Ron swallowed his mouthful of eggs and snorted. "Oh, please. All you've divulged to us this breakfast is that you're a melodramatic attention whore, Harry. And we knew that already."

"Am not!" Harry cried indignantly.

"I'm afraid Ron's right, Harry. You are a bit of a melodramatic attention whore. But we still love you despite that." Hermione said with placating tone of voice as she took a sip of tea.

For a moment Harry glared at his two so called best friends before he shot up from his seat.

"I'm going." Harry said, looking very determined.

"Please don't do anything stupid." Hermione said.

"I wasn't going to!"

"Oh please. I know that expression. You were probably planning to head off and find some poor boy to ravage so that you could prove how 'gay' you are." Hermione said, rolling her eyes.

For a moment Harry just stood there, put on the spot and embarrassed at being seen through so quickly and easily. He then drew himself up and stormed off, deciding that he'd find some boy to ravage anyways. Hermione sighed with exasperation and Ron continued eating, completely unfazed by the fact that his best mate was planning on molesting some innocent soul just to prove a point.

Hermione closed her precious book and stuffed it into her book bag that was already almost overflowing with tons of other books that she simply couldn't pry herself away from for even a single moment.

"I'm heading off to the library, see you later Ron."

Ron continued- of course -eating. At least he glanced at her, briefly acknowledging her existence despite the fact that there was a perfectly edible delicious breakfast sitting right in front of him. Now that was love right there.

Hermione exited the cafeteria. She smiled when the Headmaster passed her.

"Hello Professor Dumbledore." She said pleasantly. Just like the annoying little teacher's pet she was. Bitch…

"Why hello Miss Granger!" Dumbledore said energetically, waving a well-manicured hand in her direction with an overly limp wrist.

And then he pranced into the cafeteria in his glittery, colorful robes like the gay little fairy he was.

Hermione shook her head good-naturedly and continued walking towards the library. She pretended not to notice Harry serenading a highly confused and embarrassed looking Neville Longbottom in the middle of the hallway. It was best not to encourage him.

She wasn't quite sure why, but somehow Cedric's death two years ago had had some quite… weird effects on Harry. He'd been so traumatized that he'd leaped right across the sullen sad stage of mourning to outright weirdness. He wasn't _quite _insane. Just radically different from how he had been before. Hermione and Ron had quickly gotten used to it. Harry was their best friend after all. And therefore they should stand by him and his crazy, attention seeking, melodramatic, weird and unpredictable ways. No matter what.

But she couldn't help thinking, as an explosion was heard from the cafeteria that she had just exited, that that certainly didn't explain the insanity that had taken over the rest of the school in varying degrees for no explainable reason that she could see.


	2. Ginny's Challenge

**Ginny's Challenge**

Ginny Weasley watched her confused best male friend being serenaded to by Harry Potter, the boy she had used to dream of marrying merely a couple years ago. She sighed. And promptly abandoned him to his fate.

Ginny wasn't exactly a cold person, it was just that she didn't view the threat of being wooed by an insane boy-who-lived to be all that much of a threat in the first place. That and she was hungry.

She walked off ignoring Harry's coo "Your eyes are like two hazel brown pools of… beautifulness? Is that even a word? I don't know. Whatever. And your hair is like.. silk. Yeah." And Neville's ensuing whimper.

She entered the cafeteria and walked towards the Gryffindor table. At the teacher's table she could see the flamboyant Headmaster taking his seat and immediately zeroing in on a bright colorful fruity alcoholic drink that should absolutely not be there. He'd probably made a personal request to the House Elves.

She sat down next to her brother because hey, why the heck not? It wasn't like he talked much anyways. He just ate food.

She served herself some eggs and bacon because she was unoriginal like that and started eating. Suddenly Ginny noticed Seamus Finnigan sitting across from her and had a devilish idea. She was single at the moment… and Seamus wasn't such a bad catch either…

Ginny suppressed a quite unGryffindorish smirk and served herself some sausages.

"Good morning Seamus!" she said cheerily.

"Morning," Seamus said. He was a tad confused that she was suddenly talking to him, she barely knew him after all, but he took it in stride.

She then speared one of the sausages on her fork and made eye contacts with Seamus. Seamus felt awkward and was unable to break away from her intense gaze. Ginny brought the sausage to her lips and opened wide and… Seamus's eyes nearly popped out of his head as he watched her. No matter what she was still a Weasley at heart, and everyone knew that Weasley's were about as subtle as a hammer to the face.

It was rare for Hogwarts students to perform accidental magic seeing as that was for small kids with no control. But even if he was sixteen Seamus had never had the best control of his magic, not to mention that his mind was currently being blown. As was the sausage.

So was it really all that weird that a huge, uncontrollable surge of magic surged up in Seamus and as fast as bullet careened towards the ceiling, exploding the fake blue sky? Well, a little. No one was hurt but there was a lot of screaming and confusion as the boom resounded through the cafeteria and the rubble of the ceiling flew into the lake. Ginny was so surprised that she suddenly bit down on her sausage. Seamus stared at the unlucky sausage in open mouthed horror and promptly fainted into his toast. Ginny sighed as she saw all her hopes of ever banging Seamus fall unconscious into a slice of perfectly toasted buttery goodness.

Ron hadn't stopped eating once.

All of the teachers, except for the Headmaster who was by then thoroughly wasted (Dumbledore had always been a lightweight), looked up at the ceiling in confusion where the boom had come from. All they saw was the sky. And due to the fact that that was what the ceiling usually showed them they didn't even notice so they just shrugged and turned back to their meals and gossip. It was probably just another one of the Weasley twin's pranks again anyways… they skillfully ignored the fact that the twins had stopped attending school a year ago.

Ginny, Ginny the ferocious predator, the lioness, the serial dater, the sex-machine, the unstoppable, twisted around in her seat and considered her options. She decided that she wouldn't have a guy from her own house, _everyone _dated someone from their own house (not really). She wanted to be _original _for once! Which house should she look for her soul mate (a soul mate that would most likely only last for a month or two)?

Well, Gryffindor was out. So was Ravenclaw seeing as she'd already dated someone from there. That left Hufflepuff and Slytherin. She rolled her eyes at the easy choice. Of _course _she'd choose Slytherin over Hufflepuff, it was no competition! Hufflepuff was totally lame and boring. Slytherin on the other hand had dark and mysterious hunks, plus her parents and family would definitely disapprove, which gave it the 'forbidden love' appeal. It would be so thrilling and stuff, plus it'd be a real challenge to find a hunky Slytherin that wasn't a total jerk face that would immediately turn his nose up at her.

Ginny loved challenges.

She left the cafeteria with a satisfied smirk on her face, a vague plan already forming in her head. She waved happily at a flushed Neville who was now standing alone in the hallway. She noticed the fact that he was touching his lips with disbelief and rolled her eyes. Harry was no doubt causing havoc somewhere else in the castle by now.


	3. Bobby

**Bobby**

Draco Malfoy considered his current problem. His huge gray problem that had a reputation for amazing memory. In other words there was an elephant in the Slytherin common room. He had no idea why but he suspected Harry Potter.

For some odd reason he was the only person who'd overslept and therefore the only person who was left staring at an elephant in the common room, too busy wondering if elephants were dangerous to try and run between its legs to his escape. Well, as long as you didn't count the fidgety first year that was standing behind him. The first year hadn't said a word so far and was just looking at him and the elephant as if he weren't quite sure which one he was more afraid of. Draco felt slightly insulted. He was _far _more frightening than some stupid elephant.

Draco felt a sudden overpowering urge to impress the little squirt.

He squared his shoulders, puffed his chest out and adopted a confident, determined expression as he reached for his wand. He carefully leveled his wand so that it was pointing at the elephant. He felt the intense stare of the first year on his back and his resolved hardened. His brow furrowed and sweat beaded on his forehead as he called forth a vast amount of his magic and concentrated on doing the spell without saying the words for extra impressiveness. He waved his wand in intricate formations and he saw the elephant's gray skin ripple curiously and he smirked with satisfaction knowing that he had succeeded.

Slowly the elephant began to shrink, its skin changed color, its feet changed formation as well as every other part of its body. He heard the squirt gasp behind him with astonishment and felt an inappropriate amount of pride at what he had just done.

The former intimidating elephant, now yellow and feathery and adorable as all hell, quacked.

He turned around and reveled at the reverent look on the wide eyed face of the squirt. He then promptly left the common room in a very good mood. He didn't notice the duck following him.

He did notice though his former-formidable rival literally skipping through the hallways holding –of all things- a bouquet of bright red roses.

Draco raised his eyebrow. "Where are you heading off to with those flowers, Potter?"

Potter looked at him with a love struck expression on his face. Draco felt like gagging and taking a long shower.

"To Neville," He sighed. The way he said Neville made a shudder run down Draco's back.

"At first it wasn't serious. But then I came to see how he really _is _perfect in every way imaginable. I have to woo him! So I got him these roses. What do you think?" Potter said.

Draco gave Potter a look of pure horror and cleared his throat. "I- I, um… I'm sure he'll like them." Draco said weakly.

Potter beamed and skipped off again. Suddenly he turned around.

"Oh, by the way. Nice duck! You should call it Bobby!" he said and then skipped off for real.

Draco turned around and saw the newly christened Bobby staring up at him with a look that made Draco feel distinctly motherish. Was that a word? Whatever.

Draco sighed and decided to ignore it. He headed in the direction of the cafeteria. Then he suddenly heard a huge intimidating boom in the direction of the cafeteria and smoothly turned around in the opposite direction without so much as blinking. He'd had too much weirdness already and he'd already had breakfast. Screw the cafeteria, he'd just go straight to the kitchens.

Maybe he'd get the House Elves to bake some bread for Bobby while he was at it.


	4. The Quite Boring Chapter 4

**The Quite Boring Chapter 4**

Minerva McGonagall looked up at the rapidly darkening sky and set down her now empty cup of tea and excused herself from the table. Albus giggled drunkenly and leaned even further on Fillius, utterly oblivious to Hagrid's jealous glare and the little half-goblin's distress.

Breakfast was nearly over, the classes due to start in only a few minutes. She swiftly exited the cafeteria and walked in the direction of her classroom. On the way she saw Collin Creevey and a first year Slytherin arguing about whether Harry Potter or Draco Malfoy was better. She heard something about Mister Malfoy defeating an elephant with ease and decided to ignore them.

She entered her classroom and sat down behind her desk and waited for the students. Hermione Granger was the first one to arrive, of course. But the first student to stand out while arriving was Blaise Zabini. It was really in the _way _he entered. He entered the classroom with Ginny Weasley hanging off his lips. Now, it was already an abnormality to see a Gryffindor and Slytherin together not fighting but it was downright bizarre to see a Gryffindor and Slytherin getting it on. Mister Zabini collapsed into his seat with Miss Weasley on his lap writhing and moaning and McGonagall had to clear her throat three times before young Miss Weasley left with a glare. Seamus Finnigan, oddly enough, was unable to stop shooting Mister Zabini sympathetic looks.

The next odd person to arrive was Harry potter. He was always odd when he arrived but today he was especially odd. He was unable to stop shooting adoring looks at a furiously blushing Neville Longbottom who had arrived moments later. Mister Longbottom was holding a bouquet of red roses that she had a sneaking suspicion was given to him by a certain green-eyed crazy someone.

The next odd person was, surprisingly enough, Draco Malfoy who had managed to stay predictable throughout the years despite the growing insanity of Hogwarts. The odd thing about him that morning was the fact that after him trailed a small adorable fluffy duckling which he picked up and set down in his lap when he entered. She could have sworn that he cooed "Bobby" at it. She also could have sworn that she saw Parvati Patil and Lavender Brown swoon at the normally cold Slytherin cuddling with the bird.

The next and last odd person to arrive was Ron Weasley. He arrived holding a huge golden plate he had clearly snatched from the cafeteria. It was mounted high with more food than she could eat in an entire week. She wondered jealously how he could stay so thin and eat so much.

She was aware of the fact that a large amount of her students were clearly breaking a ton of rules but she just couldn't bring herself to care.

She did a roll call. Everyone was present. She turned around to start writing on the chalkboard when all of a sudden she heard a series of noises in quick succession. First, a squeak. Secondly, a ferocious growl. Thirdly, a thump. Fourthly, the class gasping simultaneously and Mister Potter's vengeful cackle.

She whipped around to see Dean Thomas unconscious, sitting next to a thoroughly embarrassed Neville Longbottom. Behind him sat Mister Potter with his wand drawn and a malicious expression on his face.

"What just happened?" she snapped.

Miss Granger (the fuckin' teacher's pet…) was quick to elaborate.

"Dean punched Neville because he was jealous of his good grades and Harry knocked him unconscious."

McGonagall was stunned at the absolute lack of logic in that statement. Mister Dean had never been one for bullying, and he was on good terms with Mister Longbottom the last time she'd checked. Not to mention that if he truly were jealous than he'd wait until the class was over to give him a real good pounding. And anyways she felt that knocking him unconscious was a bit overkill…

But then she remembered that the school was slowly going crazy so logic wasn't all that important anymore. She sighed and decided to ignore what had happened just this once. Oh, who was she kidding? She was ignoring practically everything lately, like Albus's strange attitude and mysterious explosions and Slytherin's owning cute ducks.

She promised herself a nice big glass of brandy if she just pulled through the day. She turned back to the chalkboard without another word.


	5. Cat Ears and Soul Mates

**Cat Ears and Soul Mates**

"So, what do you think?" Harry asked.

Hermione sighed and put down her book on Mermish adjectives. Transfiguration had ended fifteen minutes ago and she had decided that there was nothing wrong with a little escapade to the library. Apparently Harry did, because why else would he punish her by popping up out of nowhere with a pair of cat ears and a tail?

"Why do you have cat ears and a tail, Harry?" she asked patiently.

"Magic," he answered vaguely.

"Did you do that to yourself?"

"Yup."

"_Why?_"

"Because! I've already serenaded Neville, and I've kissed him and given him flowers and defended him against the vile hand of Dean. I've clearly established myself as a romantic, thoughtful and noble guy in his eyes. Now it's time for sex appeal! And everyone knows that cat ears and a tail are sexy as hell! But do you think it's enough? Or do you think I should step it up a level and get a maid uniform as well?"

Hermione just stared at her friend in stunned silence for a moment before sighing. "No Harry. I don't think you have to 'step it up a level'. The cat ears and tail is _more _than enough!"

"Great! Thanks for the help, see ya later, alligator!" Harry said energetically before bouncing away.

She shook her head and tried to concentrate on her book again. But every time she did the image of Harry with a pair of cat ears and a tail crawling all over Neville who had by now grown into quite the looker popped into her head. She blushed at the highly inappropriate thoughts and decided it was time for a shower. A long cold shower where she would wallow in her own shame and self-disgust.

She put away the book in its appropriate place and exited the library. On the way she bumped into her other best friend, Ron. She was surprised to see that he wasn't stuffing his face.

"What's wrong?" she asked concerned. She was vaguely worried that it was the apocalypse if Ron wasn't eating.

"Don't worry," Ron said with a good natured roll of his eyes. He knew exactly what she was thinking. "I'm heading towards the kitchens. I just ran out of food."

"Oh, all right." Hermione said, relieved.

Hermione was about to leave when she suddenly remembered something, she had absolutely nothing to do. She might as well grab a cuppa' and hang out with her only moderately sane bestie.

"Hey, could I…" she asked hesitantly.

"Sure," Ron grinned at her and they walked off to the kitchens in a comfortable silence.

Soon enough they reached the portrait and Ron tickled the pear. What they saw was slightly baffling. There Malfoy was, feeding a fluffy cute ducking on his lap with small chunks of fresh delicious smelling bread. Besides him sat Zabini, Ginny in his lap trying to suck his face off.

Normally Ron would have focused on his little sister smooching a dirty Slytherin but he instead immediately zeroed in on the food, not even noticing the fact that there were other people in the room.

Ron attacked the food and Hermione timidly seated herself, feeling very awkward indeed.

"Aw, aren't you just the cutest guy ever? Yes you are! Yes you are. Oh, Bobby wobby woo." Draco cooed at his duck in a baby voice and Hermione grimaced.

"Oh, hey Hermione." Ginny said as she finally parted away from her new sweetheart for air.

"Hi," said Hermione, still feeling awkward.

"Blaise, baby, this is my bro's friend Herm's-"

"Don't call me _Herm's._"

"_Herm's!_ Anyways. It's be great if you two could be civil, 'kay?"

Blaise nodded distractedly and tried to pull her in for another kiss but she resisted. She instead reached for an abandoned cup of tea and took a sip.

"So… how did you two get… y'know… _together._" Hermione asked for lack of anything else to say.

Ginny's eyes sparkled at the opportunity to share her dramatic love story.

"Oh! Well you see it's actually quite a funny story. I was walking to my classroom for Charms when I suddenly bumped into Blaise. And guess what? He was _naked!_"

Blaise flushed with embarrassment. "It was Potter messing around again." He explained. "He was walking past me when he just randomly banished my clothes for no reason."

"Sounds like Harry alright." Hermione said nodding.

"Right, well anyways so I bumped into my naked sweetheart and he was _so _flustered! It was adorable. I decided to show him some pity and conjured him some new clothes since he'd forgotten his wand back in the common room. He was so grateful that he kissed me! And as soon as he did I just _knew _that we were totally meant for each other!" Ginny said with a dreamy look on her face.

Hermione nodded with a polite smile on her face. Blaise subtly threw her a 'I know she's crazy but she's hot so whatever' look. Hermione guessed she was okay with that. That may be because Ginny had tripped her in the hallway due to a dare a week ago. Hermione was a petty, bitter person. Harry constantly told her that she and Professor Snape would make a great match. She just gagged whenever he mentioned it.

"So…" Blaise began, fumbling for something to talk about to fill the ensuing silence. "What's up?"

Weak. But it would do.

"Um. Well. Harry recently magicked some cat ears and a tail on him so he could better seduce Neville." Hermione said, all too aware how weird that sentence was.

"Sounds like Harry alright." Ron said with another roguish grin that made her heart skip a beat as he swallowed his scone whole.


	6. Love Underneath the Table

**Love Underneath the Table**

"Meow!"

Draco nearly jumped out of his skin at the sudden exclamation and looked behind him. It was time for lunch and he'd been heading towards the cafeteria, his dear Bobby in tow. What he saw was more than a little bit traumatizing. There in all his lightning bolt scar glory was the-boy-who-lived-to-be-crazy with a pair of soft looking black cat ears poking out of his mess of hair, a long sleek tail attached right over his arse. He was grinning mischievously at Draco, his hands outstretched and forming a heart.

"What?" he asked thoroughly confused.

"Have you seen Neville?" Potter said, completely and utterly ignoring Draco's question.

Draco didn't want to know. He shook his head. Undeterred Potter walked towards the cafeteria and Draco hesitantly followed, not quite sure he wanted to be in the cafeteria any longer. They entered the cafeteria and Potter headed towards the Gryffindor table, most likely to search for Longbottom. Draco went to his table. He shivered a bit. Why was it so cold? He looked up at the ceiling and saw the dark sky that threatened rain but that didn't explain anything. The cafeteria was always supposed to be warm, no matter the weather. He turned around and picked up Bobby and tucked his little darling into one of his pockets. Could ducks catch colds? Better not risk it.

It was just as he sat down that something odd happened. Something wet landed on his nose. He blinked, startled and looked up at the ceiling again. No way.

He heard several exclamations that unfortunately proved what he had been hoping against. It was _raining in the cafeteria. _Merlin. He quickly grabbed a scone and ran off with Bobby in his pocket, afraid that his duck would catch a cold and his magnificent hairstyle would be ruined.

There was a lot of clamor as absolutely everyone else in the cafeteria had the same idea as him and clogged up the gigantic doorway. He sighed and decided to just crawl underneath the Hufflepuff table and wait until the line was shorter.

"Oh Blaise…" he heard as he was about to crawl underneath the table.

His face turned green and he decided that he had a better bet with hiding from the rain underneath the Gryffindork's table.

"Oh Harry…" he heard Longbottom's voice say underneath the table he had just been about to sneak underneath.

He gagged. It seemed like Potter's cat ears scheme had succeeded. He sprinted for the Ravenclaw table. There was no moaning of peoples names and when he cautiously peered underneath there were no lovey dovey couples getting down and dirty. He tried his best to ignore the moans of "Oh Hagrid…" and "Oh Albus…" from the teacher's table. He crawled under the Ravenclaw table and almost immediately bumped his head into another. Fearing that he had just unknowingly bumped into an orgy he fished his wand out of his pocket and said, "Lumos,"

The ethereal wand light mercifully showed him no absurdly kinky orgy and instead just showed the face of a very cute blonde girl. She had straggly waist-length dirty blonde hair with very pale eyebrows and pretty pale eyes that made her constantly look surprised. Her wand was tucked behind her left ear and she was wearing a necklace of butterbeer caps. She had a careful manicure on her right hand that showed turnips while all of the nails on her left hand were silver. Draco was utterly charmed.

"Hi," he said shyly, feeling oddly out of character.

She flashed him a knowing smile that Draco liked very much and she said in a soft dreamy voice, "Hello,"

Draco was so charmed he didn't know what to do with himself.

"My name's Draco Malfoy." He said.

"Luna Lovegood," she said in her lovely dreamy voice.

The rain that was by now pouring drummed down on the tabletop, drowning out any and all couples in the cafeteria making love. The cafeteria ought to be almost empty by now but Draco had never wanted to leave the cafeteria less.

She looked at the pocket that Bobby was nestled comfortably inside of and she smiled the same smile that was on Draco's face. She was also charmed. Turned out Bobby was a total chick magnet. Draco was eternally grateful to his yellow little friend.

"It looks like your duck has a really good memory." She said and Draco suddenly remembered that Bobby used to be an elephant.

Wow. She could tell by only looking? No wonder she was in Ravenclaw, she was a bloody genius.

Draco couldn't have stopped the dreamy sigh that escaped him even if he'd tried.


	7. Never Speak of This Again

**Never Speak Of This Again**

Underneath the oak tree by the lake Draco Malfoy and Luna Lovegood held hands while discussing Rotfang conspiracies, a duckling dozing at their feet. Meanwhile in the cafeteria Harry Potter was reciting obscure love poetry to a thoroughly smitten Neville Longbottom who currently had a pair of bunny ears and a twitchy fluffy tail that Harry couldn't keep his hands away from. Ginny Weasley and Blaise Zabini were passionately making out in the Prefect's bathroom while Seamus Finnigan played chess with his friend Dean Thomas, feeling very safe in the knowledge that it wasn't his wiener that was in the vicinity of the lovely Miss Weasley's mouth, and Dean Thomas feeling very safe with the knowledge that the mysterious Stupid Evil Bastard curse his evil twin brother had cast on him was now lifted. Rubeus Hagrid had decided to visit the Headmaster in his office and hadn't been seen for three hours, though he'd certainly been heard.

Meanwhile Hermione looked at Ron shoveling food into his mouth, feeling unusually unsatisfied. It almost felt like everyone she knew were either enjoying a romantic evening or having some good ol' fashioned hanky panky but her.

She looked at her friend and her heart ached with the knowledge that she'd never be as important to him as food was. She'd seriously considered him as a love interest for some time, but she knew it was merely wishful thinking. Ron was practically married to food.

She closed her book with a sigh.

"I'm going out for a walk." She said tiredly.

Ron didn't notice her tone of voice. In fact, he didn't even notice her at all. She left the kitchens feeling sad and lonely.

She turned a corner and bumped into someone taller than her.

"Oof! Sorry…" she said.

She looked up at the person she'd affronted and saw her role model and hero, Minerva McGonagall. She flushed with embarrassment and squirmed. Professor McGonagall allowed herself a small smile at the cuteness of her favorite student.

"Oh you're forgiven, Miss Granger. It was as much my fault as yours. I should have watched where I was walking." She said.

Hermione, relieved that her favorite teacher didn't hate her looked up at her teacher with a tearful smile.

"Thank you," she said shyly.

She shuffled her feet like a nervous schoolgirl, which she was. Professor McGonagall resisted another smile.

"You're welcome."

And then there was a silence. But it wasn't awkward. It was comfortable. And neither felt like moving, McGonagall had completely forgotten where she'd been headed and Hermione didn't have anywhere to go in the first place. They stared deep into each other's eyes…

"Professor McGonagall…" Hermione sighed, placing her hand on the forearm of her beloved teacher.

"Miss Granger…" Professor McGonagall murmured as she looked deep into her sweet, innocent student's chocolate brown come-hither eyes, her hand snaking itself around the younger girls waist without her even noticing.

And then they both abruptly realized at the same time what they were doing and drew away from each other in disgust and horror.

And now there was a silence hanging over them that was most definitely awkward.

"Let's never speak of this again." Professor McGonagall said, finally breaking the silence.

"Agreed," Hermione said.

And then they both turned around and walked off in opposite directions, refusing to look back. Hermione decided that she'd sleep with the next fellow student she saw. She obviously needed some booty if her own body was conspiring against her, forcing her to flirt with the first person to touch her.

So it was only natural that the next person she saw were in fact two persons. Two persons that shouldn't be there at all.

She saw Fred and George.


	8. Weasley Sandwich

**Weasley Sandwich**

"O-oh! Hey guys…" said Hermione, feeling very flustered and mad at herself. Why did she always have to make such stupid promises to herself?

The twins both turned to her at the same time. She noticed that they both looked very mad.

"What's this we here about our darling little sister snogging with dirty little _Slytherin?_" the twin that Hermione decided to think of George asked dangerously.

She gulped, her face red as images of herself in the middle of a hot Weasley sandwich paraded through her mind. Now that she'd thought of it she _needed _to be in that sandwich. Nothing was going to stop her.

"Ginny's dating Blaise Zabini." She blurted out and felt like hitting herself. She should have lied! The twins would be far too busy beating the snot out of Zabini to make her the filling in their sexy, hot, delicious, forbidden sandwich now!

But to her astonishment the twins visibly relaxed.

"Oh! So it's just Blaise!" the twin she'd decided to call Fred laughed.

"J-just Blaise?" she asked uncertainly, feeling very confused and stupid.

"Ah, well it's a long story." George said.

"But the result is that Blaise used to be our one and only mole in the Slytherin House when we attended Hogwarts." Fred said.

"He's a good guy." George said.

"We approve." Fred and George said at the same time.

"R-really?" Hermione said, trying to imagine it. She brightened. She still had a chance!

"Yup." Fred said.

"Yeppers." George agreed.

She blushed adoringly as she tried to think of a way to charm the pants off of her two smexy targets.

"So…" she began.

"Wanna have sex?" The twins said at the same time with two identical knowing grins.

She drew back alarmed. Was she that obvious?

"Ah, don't worry, Miney. It's not that you're obvious to read, not that you're all that subtle either. It's just that Fred and me are unparalleled geniuses. We know 'I wanna be the filling in a Weasley twin sandwich' body language when we see it." George said.

Hermione was speechless. Fred slung an arm over her shoulders casually.

"Well we'd hate for our trip here to be completely useless, wouldn't we Fred."

"Yes we would."

"Well then do you think that maybe fulfilling a young pretty girls sex fantasies would be worth the trip?"

"I think that fulfilling _this _certain young pretty girls sex fantasy would be worth fighting a dragon for."

The other twin slung his arm over Hermione's shoulder.

"We," they both said in unison, "are about to rock your world."

And indeed, in a few minutes her world would be so rocked that she'd put sinners from 134 A.C to shame.


	9. Hit a Girl

**Hit a Girl**

Seamus Finnigan walked down the hallway next to his best friend Dean Thomas.

"I'm just sayin'," Seamus said, "if there's cheese involved a goat most certainly shouldn't be. It's either the one or the other."

"How the heck did the conversation degenerate to _this_?" Dean asked more himself than Seamus.

"Well you mentioned that muggle beer is utter rubbish compared to wizard beer and I said-"

"HALT! IT IS I… DANNY THOMAS! YOUR EVIL TWIN!" a really, really loud cry suddenly roared from behind them.

Dean and Seamus whipped around and saw to their horror… Danny Thomas! He looked just like Dean except that he'd grown his hair into a huge afro and he wore 80's disco clothes. Dean snarled at Danny.

"_You…_" he growled.

"Yes! Me!" Danny cried, doing the moonwalk.

Seamus sighed and rolled his eyes. Dean was normally a very rationale person and a good friend. In fact the only luggage that he had was that _damnable evil twin!_

He was seriously annoying.

Dean pulled out his wand –no not _that _wand you perverts!- and glared at Danny. Danny pulled out a Morningstar out of freakin' _nowhere._

"I think I'm going on ahead, Dean. See you later when you're finished." Seamus said.

Dean nodded curtly and cast the first spell as Danny leaped forwards with a bloodthirsty war cry. He turned around and walked away. There was a sharp cry behind him. He didn't bother to look who'd uttered it.

Suddenly in front of him Hanna Abbott popped up out of nowhere. Why was everyone _doing that? ..._

"Hi Seamus!" she said.

"Um… hi?" he said.

Why was Hanna Abbott suddenly talking to him?

"Wanna hear a joke?"

"Oh- well um, not rea-" he began but was interrupted.

"As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, 'If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman.'"

"I've already heard this one-" Seamus tried but was thwarted by her selective hearing.

"She removes all her clothing and asks, 'Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?'"

Seamus rolled his eyes.

"A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, 'Here, iron this!'"

"Okay." Seamus said then walked around her.

"Hey," she said.

Seamus ignored her.

"Hey," she continued.

Seamus gritted his teeth

"Hey, hey, hey, hey," she persisted.

Seamus went through this hell for ten minutes before he finally cracked.

"WHAT?" he roared.

"Knock, knock," she said unfazed.

Seamus stared at her in disbelief for all of three minutes, mouth agape. And then he socked her. Right in the face.

He looked down at her unconscious form and regretted nothing. Even if he was a girl-hitter know. He walked off to kitchens and ate some apple pie, ignoring Ron who was by then a permanent inhabitant of the kitchens.


	10. A Kink and An End

**A Kink And An Ending**

The next day Seamus noticed that Hermione was walking significantly bowlegged. Harry didn't notice because he was too busy painting acrylic portraits of his One True Love Neville and Ron was still in the kitchens. Last he'd heard he'd decided to give up sleep in favor of eating 24/7. He also noticed that Draco Malfoy was sitting at the Ravenclaw table, chatting up some blonde chick that was petting an absolutely adorable duckling. Ginny was still attached to Blaise's lips. Ron wasn't the only one who was still missing, Seamus noticed as he cast a glance at the Headmasters and Keeper of Keys empty seats at the teachers table. He pretended not to notice that Professor McGonagall seemed to be chatting up a very oblivious Professor Flitwick.

He sat down next to Dean. His arm was in a cast but he had smug air about him. Seamus hated that. Every time he managed to defeat his twin he was always smug the entire day after about it. It wasn't as if it was all that difficult. Danny was a squib with a disco gimmick for Merlin's sake.

He caught a glimpse of Hanna Abbott with a black eye sitting down at her table and hoped that the annoying harpy wouldn't tell everybody that he'd punched her. That would definitely ruin all of his hopes for any future relationships until he graduated.

He absentmindedly reflected upon the crazy week the student body of Hogwarts had had. The roof had been repaired a few days ago so even though it was a thunder storm outside it wasn't raining inside the cafeteria any longer.

He reached for an apple and bit into it with relish. He really liked apples. They were kind of a turn-on. But this one tasted funny. He spat out the mouthful of apple he'd just taken a bite out of and a small piece of parchment coated in the juice of the apple and his saliva fell onto his golden plate. He opened the folded piece of parchment not surprised in the least that there was a secret message in his apple. He did attend a school of magic after all.

_Dear Seamus_

_Last night I had a dream of us_

_Holding hands_

_While destroying lands_

_Clearly we were meant to be_

_Even if you punched me_

_Actually that's kind of hot_

_Even though that you secretly like pink is not_

_Please date me_

_So you and I can become we_

_From Hanna Abbott_

Okay. So apparently Abbott was into abusive guys. And she wanted to take over the world. And she was into him. And she somehow knew that his favorite color was secretly pink. Seamus stuffed the love note into his pocket and took another apple, determinedly ignoring Abbott who was throwing him hopeful love-struck glances.

He remembered when things used to make sense. When Dean didn't have an evil twin and Hermione wasn't a whore. He remembered when Ron did more than just eat and Neville and Harry weren't gay for each other. He remembered when the Headmaster and Hagrid weren't sexual deviants, Gryffindor's and Ravenclaw's didn't fall for Slytherin's. When Draco Malfoy didn't own a duck called Bobby. When weird girls that told bad jokes and liked being punched didn't send him love notes through apples and he didn't explode ceilings.

He remembered when the world used to be sane.

But as Professor Snape stood up and announced that Hogwarts would be getting a Veela cheerleader team for their quidditch matches he thought that he wouldn't have it any other way.

**The End**


End file.
